Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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