the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
