sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
