This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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