i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
