I CAN MOONWALK!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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