yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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