the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
