i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
