my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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