I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We left an ass print on the piano.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
