I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
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This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
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Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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