They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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