so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
