You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
