I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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