I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
