I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
