im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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