Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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