I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
