Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
