I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
