...so i touched it.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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