my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
