got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
