On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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