I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
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actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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