I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
