The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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