I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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