I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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