your parents love me but you hate me
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
