So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
