Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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