My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
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Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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