who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
