I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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