Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
