I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
