Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
