my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
