Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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