I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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