Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
