I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
