Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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