The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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