So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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