Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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