After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
