and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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