apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
