theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
