i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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